There are only a handful of times that I recall crying after my mom passed away. It is something that has been bothering me for the last two years. I want to cry; I can feel it building up inside of my chest. The sadness, the angst, all of those emotions I have felt have been trapped inside. Today, I finally had a good cry in the car about all of the things currently going on in my life. It may have been short-lived, but it was a start.
I was just thinking about emotional triggers on the drive in to work today. There are the known triggers; triggers that you know to avoid in order to keep yourself from breaking down. But then there are times when grief sneaks up on you unaware, and it happened today in Will’s classroom. It started simply by Will’s previous teacher, Ms. Christina. She pulled me aside today, and told me she found a wonderful book for kids that have lost a grandparent. I had emailed her several months ago asking for advice on how to talk to a preschooler about death, and she had given me some great advice back then. The simple act of her reaching out to me today was overwhelming. I was so touched that she had remembered our conversation, and the fact that she still sought me out to tell me that touched my heart.
As she was telling me the premise of the book, it was like I could feel something break inside of me. The dam that I had built around my heart suddenly burst, and I could finally feel all of the grief and emotions that I had held pent up inside. As soon as I got in the car, real tears streamed down my face, and despite the grief and despair that I felt, I also smiled in spite of it all. It felt so good to let those emotions out; I hope that this is a sign of progress.