May and October, two of the most beautiful months of the year, and I struggle through both. Without warning, I will find myself enter into this terrible funk that I cannot shake. In May, it starts around Mother’s Day, and doesn’t end until the 23rd, the day my mom died.
October is the month of breast cancer awareness, and also ironically happens to be the month that my mom is was diagnosed with Stage I, and then years later Stage IV cancer.
This past month of May was no exception. As much as I want to think fondly of this time with my mom in her last few weeks, it’s still so fresh that most days I find myself struggling. My Timehop feed is filled with pictures of our last days together, and suddenly I’m reliving those moments all over again.
This feeling of living between joy and sadness at the same time can be difficult. Sometimes I need to dwell in the sadness; the sadness is a reminder of what I have lost. Grief is the price we pay after we have lost someone we love. What I struggle with the most is letting myself feel these different mix of emotions. I find myself wanting to place these sad feelings into a box, wrap them up tight with a neat little bow on top and shove them far away to a place where I can’t find them. Feelings are messy, and it’s never as simple as wrapping them up in a package, never to be dealt with again. To be kind and to not be so critical to myself has been a challenge, but it’s something that I’m learning along the way.